Welcome to the swine flu test

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Disclaimer:
The following is a joke and should be taken as such
I am not, in any way, shape, or form, a medical professional.
I provide this test for two reasons.
1) It's a joke for people who are not hypochondriacs, but keep seeing people panicking over swine flu
2) It will, hopefully, get some people to calm down and realise they are not dying, they just have a cold.
I don't hold much hope on the second point.

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Test 1: Since you are here you obviously have more energy than you would have if you had flu.
Advice: Man up, it's just a cold.

Test 2: If you are still here then I assume that you are here on behalf of someone else.
If you are here about yourself please see Test 1, and then learn to accept that you are not dying

Now, get the person in question to imagine there is a crate-load of £20 (or $50) outside that is finders keepers.
Ask them if they have the energy to get them.

Outcome 1: If they say they do, or their eyes light up, or they seem interested in what you are saying in the slightest then they don't have flu, but the cold is probably a bad one. It happens.
Outcome 2: If none of the above happens then they might have flu.

Test 3: Okay, if you're still here about yourself I'm not going to tell you again.

Has the person concerned been to Mexico in the past couple of weeks?
No: Most probably not swine flu then
Yes: Call a doctor, get their opinion. I say call them because of two things.
1) If they passed the energy tests to get here then going to a doc probably isn't an option
2) *Important* If they have swine flu, then passing it around by going out of the house is going to do a lot of harm. Don't leave the house until phoning a doctor and seeking their advice.

You now have reached the end of the test.

-Modified 2009/05/04 by Scut